People Used To Have Shorter Lifespans

I can barely make out the text, but I think that is cheese stuffed/covered hotdogs in a bath or creamed corn and mustard.

Madmen seems to be pretty popular these days and people are having viewing parties where they dress the part, drink the drinks, and pretend like it’s the 50’s. I don’t watch the show (yeah I know) but I do like to pretend like I’m from the 50’s, except in my world I’m a time traveller from the 1980’s. I digress.
I recently stumbled upon Retrospace, a pretty amazing site chronicling all sorts of stuff from times past. Considering my weird interest/obsession with f’ed up junk food, i went directly to the Gastro-Abominations section and perused the images. I guess to go full circle, is anybody having Madmen viewing parties where they are serving some of this gnarly cuisine? And if so, can I come?
Asides from the image up top, here are some more of my favorites:

I guess this is meat wrapped around celery covered in some sort of cheese?

This really isn’t that crazy, I just think it’s a cool ad and concept.

And this image which won’t show up for whatever reason. I can imagine some executive being like “Well have YOU tried it? That’s what I thought so JUST DO IT.”

The whole site seems to be full of treasures, and I’ve just barely cracked the surface. Here’s another one of my favorites, this one from the Retro Ads section.
Despite my appearance and tendencies, I was never a fan of Dungeons and Dragons. Believe it or not.

Anything on the site make you smile?


There once was a thing called “Meatopia”  (If I was a radio DJ I would be punctuating with air horn blasts the spaces between paragraphs, so imagine one sounding off now if you will.)

Don’t believe the hype. DON”T BELIEVE THE HYPE. I’m speaking for the little guy here. If you read a good thing about this farcical festival of food, you read an untruth.

Mista Bee buzzin with a review of the first annual “Meatopia” a so called food festival.

You’ve never seen a bee, a little flying bee, wait in a line of people to get some food before have ya?  But wait I did in several lines, waiting for a meaty morsel patiently, waiting waiting, and then as each food vendor ran out of food, you read that right, (food vendors out of food?) I was told along with all the people in line waiting “sorry we’re out of food.”

As each of the 30 “Meatopia” food vendors ran out, so on it went each line getting longer, and before a taste of food the vendor would inform the line “sorry all out.”

For two and a half hours I waited and was not fed a scrap. The bullshit of it all was the food was pre-paid for, I’d paid 45$ for 6 tastes. I thought innocently “Meatopia…six tastes…hamburger…hotdog..ribs…pulled pork…lamb…maybe some meat i’d never tried like rabbit?Yumms!  I’d bought a ticket online and I showed up hungry and with 3-4 hours left of this so called Meatopia. I expected to eat, heck I’d spent 45$, anybody living in Cleveland can feed their two kids for a week on that much cash. TRUE.

I’d say there was a hell and I was in it if I wasn’t a bumble bee.

Sad and Hungry, if it was Meatopia I’d witnessed the fall of it.

Final notes, I’d like to say damn Meatopia’s creators, kiss my bee hind now and in the next years to come jerks, and I’d also like to thank  Meatopia for ruining my afternoon. lucky I don’t sting ya.

Q-Bees.. WTF!?

So, this afternoon after a thrilling Fish and Chips Lunch, complete with Bloody Marys at Duke of Perth , Shawn not so subtly hinted that he wanted a sweet cold treat to round out his fried food fullness. So I hopped out of the car and headed to the store with the intention of picking up some frozen snickers bars. Alas there were none. HOWEVER,  lo and behold I found there in the freezer, Q-bees (pronounced cube-eez)!

Which are Rice Krispie (style) Treats filled with ice cream, and available  in three flavors each with their own name and anthropomorphic idiosyncrasies. Dave, the chocolate tree hugger and outdoors man, Esquivel the vanilla extreme sports enthusiast, and Suzy Cube, the ubiquitous strawberry girl flavor. After searching around, and coming up with little to nothing about them on the internet, I did find out that this company  is trying new marketing stuff this year, and has since developed new looks for each of the different flavors, hats, lady faces, up dos, and each of them also have twitter pages where you can read along as they bicker Twitter style. SO BIZARRE. Nothing makes me want to eat a vanilla treat  like reading a transcript of  it making fun of the strawberry treat’s obsession with wearing pink outfits while the chocolate flavor insists every one “chillax.”  Anyway, I picked up a pack of the vanilla, as these were this was the only flavor available at the Dominick’s near me.

Here, Shawn considers the cube and then devours it.

So the long and short is, this is a nice little cube of ice cream with a crispy sweet out side, but it really didn’t hold up to the excitement my brain and stomach created while the helped me imagineer a Rice Crispy Treat pregnant with vanilla ice cream. It was weird. Now I almost forgot to mention that this treat is all natural. The whole thing is kosher, vegetarian, and the cream is from cows that are growth hormone free. Which could go either way really, they could be the less than delicious, and sort of “fat free” or “diet” tasting, or they could be extra good rich “handmade” tasting. Sadly after much debate, we decided that there was something sorta Boca about the taste, being totally slammable, but not as good as the bad for you real deal.

And there you have it kids, tasty, good for you, almost entirely guilt free, but not as interesting as advertised.

Food Painting

Today, i was eating one of my favorite snacks, Flamin’ Hint of Lime Cheetos, and saw a little blurb on the bag asking “What can you do with 28 Cheetos” which is the approximate size of one serving. So i looked on their web site and was invited into a whole world of amazing things people do with 28 Cheetos.

It was there that I discovered Eclectic Asylum, who does all of these photo-realistic drawings and paintings out of food and lipstick and all kinds of stuff.  One of my favorites is “Speed Painting on velvet with crumbled Cheetos.”

and this one of Conan O’Brien


Cheetos is  not all this guy does, check out this amazing portrait of Morgan Spurlock from Supersize Me, made with ketchup and fries!!!

Dumpster-diving cat turds

This is a little love note to all the dumpster diving, freegan, gray water using kids out there, doing their stinky shameless best to use up all of the crap businesses throw out everyday. This takes a special sort of diligence and commitment to ideals to proudly and prosperously live off of other peoples less than perfect garbage.  And it takes balls to have a bake sale, and make all of the pastries out of dumpster dived food..

but it takes extra big balls to make dumpster dived pastries in the shape of cat shit, and laugh and take peoples money in exchange for them.

The recipe for these is just a chocolate no bake cookie, rolled into a log shape, and then rolled in granulated sugar. Besides being delicious , these prove that basically anything can be a turd if  it’s brown and you roll it into a log shape. These were a lovely treat after a night of videos and beer, and all of the proceeds went to Odd Obsessions Video, which is an independently owned video store that operates like a co-op, being run almost entirely by volunteers, and specializing in weird, out of print , and cult favorites. Check them out today!


Tonight I had a really bad night.  I found out that my bike is irreparable unless really good looking parts are replaced.  FART!  This can’t be happening.  So to comfort myself I bought some gummi worms.  They cheer me up!  But the gummi worms I purchased… may god have mercy on their tiny souls for the poor flavorings they offered me.  TOO SHORT! TOO BLAND!  I swear to Christ on his gosh darn cross one of them was cinnamon flavored.  UNHEARD OF!!!  This is horrible.  Why am I telling all about this?  To spread my misery?  NO!  and yes.  I once thought there was no such thing as a bad gummi.  I thought there was only good, better, and best gummis.  Long, tender, sweet.  Beware it is not so!  OH GOD!  You think you can trust a thingy and a thingy lets you down.  People can break my heart all day long but a bad gummi?  FOR CRYING IN A BUCKET!

So you know what else?  I wanted to instead get for myself a consistant and reliable snack condiment: coleman’s mustard, the best mustard.  The store was closed!  WHY ME!  You know what else is bad?  TEENAGERS.  They’re too young.  Why do they dress like that?  Do they know they look SO STUPID?