DORITO CORN BREAD

I think I created a new style of cooking I like to call “Food, The Sequel” or more simply as “Recycling Food”. Let me explain what it is by telling you a true story. This story is dramatized for dramatic effect.

A while ago, I walked to the corner store to buy a big bag of nacho cheese Doritos. I wound up buying TWO bags, because my eyes are bigger than my stomach. Like BIG bags. I was all by myself too, so this was all for me. I come home and I eat one whole bag in one sitting. That’s about 900 Doritos chips. Now I’m sick of Doritos for a little while. The following day, the other bag I got and didn’t eat is staring at me. EAT ME it says. I think to myself, “I cannot eat another Dorito, but I cannot stand to look at this bag while it’s staring at me.”

Now my mind is reeling, “I can just make you into something else….” again, thinking to myself, and “you” being the Dorito bag. I reached an epiphany to turn the Doritos into Dorito cornbread, where instead of using cornmeal, I used crushed up Doritos.

The Dorito bag is quivering now because it’s scared, and rightly so. I opened up the bag, dumped its entire contents into a large bowl, and proceeded to crunch the chips into the finest possible cornmeal with my bare fists. In my clenched hands they all crumbled, and their cries sounded like dry autumn leaves under your feet. It was still pretty chippy, but I did my best. I carefully licked my hands clean afterward, because I realized I had an entire Dorito bag’s worth of cheese powder crusted on. This was satisfying.

I adapted a tried and true skillet cornbread recipe and replaced most of the cornmeal for A LOT of Doritos. The results were a deliciously recontextualized bag of Doritos. Imagine eating a Dorito, and never crunching, because the texture is just soft bread. Weird, right?

So the term, “Food, The Sequel”, applies to any scenario where the food you eat comes back, bigger and better than ever!

DORITO CORNBREAD
-1 big $3 sized bag of Doritos (any flavor you desire) (crushed as finely as possible)
-1/3 cup cornmeal
-1 8oz can creamed corn
-1 egg
-1/4 cup veg oil
-2 TB butter

Preheat oven to 400 F. Mixed the crushed up Doritos, cornmeal, egg, creamed corn, and oil together in a big bowl. The batter might seem a little runny. Let that sit for about 10 minutes so some of the liquid pre-soaks into the chips.

Melt the butter in a cast iron skillet on medium high until the butter smells a little toasty and awesome. Dump the batter into the skillet and fry until the edges look a little brown. Finish it off in the oven for about 10 minutes. Eat it while it’s hot!

Vegetarian Pizza Sammie

I ordered a pizza a while back, and it was very good. But I have also been obsessed with these Morningstar maple breakfast sausage patties, so i figured the only thing better than these two things would be combining them into one big ol’ super sammie. Here’s the ingredients…

Pizza…

sausage patties…

Equals

SAMMIE!!

and here it is all dressed up with spaghetti sauce.

This was more sandwich that I thought it would be. I also ate some of the other slices of pizza while i was making it, so.. you know.. I was full. At any rate an unexpected bonus was the sweetness of the sausage in contrast with the salty greasiness of the pizza. give it a try some time won’t you?

Making Bananas look like Bacon

Have you ever tried to turn your bananas in to something that resembled bacon and failed? I stumbled on the secret for success by accident tonight.

In Kaua’i, bananas are different. Most people here seem to grow all kinds of crazy fruit in their backyard, and these apple bananas are no different. They are stubby little bananas, that have a nice tang and floral flavor. I’ve taken a picture here with a standard sized bic lighter as a scale reference:

There was quite a plethora of apple bananas at the house that I’m staying, so I thought making BANANA JERKY would be a nice way to preserve them.

  • First I sliced them length-wise in fourths.
  • Then I placed them on a baking tray.
  • I put them in the oven that I had set at 275 F.
  • Every half hour or so, I cracked the oven open to vent out the moisture.
  • About 2-3 hours later, you have banana jerky.

The bananas are not crispy here. They are CHEWY!! It’s also cool how they turn a little bit red when they are cooked. I cook-dried them out in the oven until the shrank. They STICK to the pan though!! To bake them on, I wished I had a SIL-PAT handy, or some parchment or wax paper!! I pried them up with a pointy off-set metal spatula.

They don’t really look like bacon here on this plate, but if you hold a piece underneath some direct light, it’s quite an illusion how much it looks like bacon!

Kaua’i Conveniences

Two reasons why I love Kaua’i convenient stores.

Reason #1. Little wing-filled trays of food. They have exactly what I want to eat, in the exact amount, and was on sale for only $1.79. Three chicken wings with 2 pieces of sushi, which had mahi tuna, cucumbers and salted plums.

This second tray is a little more trashed out, with 4 chicken wings, 1 tater log and 3 waffle fries. This one was $4.

Reason #2. Tall boys of coca cola. Seriously, this was a dream come true for me. Nothing like drinking that much coke out of a tall metal can. Here I am enjoying a tall one beside the Waimea canyon.

Wasabi doritoes

Look at this, it’s real. And it’s got a mild wasabi kick to it and I guess a soy sauce flavor. Matt Fitzpatrick suggested these be might as well be called “Ching ching” chips, and I would concur!!!

Btw I got these at the bodega around the corner from the film forum.

I made popsicles

So I impulsively bought some popsicle molds the other day. I had all this fruit in the fridge and on the shelves and in the freezer that I knew I was never going to eat, and I had already eaten pie 2 days in a row, and quite frankly, watching all this fruit just lay around was really stressing me out.

I had some bananas, some frozen blueberries, and a tray of strawberries. I was like, oh duh, I’ll just make these popsicles.

First I pureed the fruit with a hand blender. I drizzled a little sweetened condensed milk in with all the fruit.

For fun, I added some bee pollen in with the banana mix.

Is bee pollen good even for you? I wondered briefly.

This website says NO. If you have allergies, you can die, and if you’re trying to cure yourself from diseases, maybe try taking some medicine, instead of messing with this hippy shit.

This website says YES. The benefits being weight-loss, prostate care, PMS relief, better sex life, the list really goes on…

Who cares really, it’s really weird and tastes magical, and that’s good enough for me.

So, after everything was pureed, I loaded the popsicle molds and put them in the freezer.

And there they sat overnight.

This morning when I woke up, all I could think about was, oh boy! Time to eat a popsicle! I ran one of them under warm water…

And then I popped it out and ate the shit out of it!!

It was SO GOOD!! Especially because of the real fruit aspect of it. And the sweetened condensed milk flavor really saved it from being a boring fruit pop.

So after I finished my popsicle and washed out the mold, I looked back in the freezer and looked at the lonely spot where the popsicle I ate once was. I felt terrible for it for some reason, so I immediately filled the mold back up with something, anything that I could find, you know.

This Vitaminka juice is my jam!! Any variety! This kind is carrot, banana, and apple flavor. I filled up the popsicle mold with it and stuck it back in the freezer. After it froze I ate it. This is a good popsicle too! (Albeit, much healthier tasting.) Summer just got a lot more WINTY.

>>>>>ZAPP’S VOODOO POTATO CHIPS!!!!!!!!

Whilst gathering snacks for my bike ride to the beach I came across this witchy bag of chips and could not pass them up!

This company called ZAPP’s from Louisiana seems pretty sweet. Check out their silly website: http://www.potatochips.com/

The explanation for the flavor is on the back of the bag. They claim an employee spilled all the flavor dust together, took a taste and voila! VOODOO! I’d like to think that the chips contain some secret witchy power. The flavor of these chips is SALT ‘n VINEGAR meets BBQ. It’s rather satisfying. Pretty sweet and sour. Also, I am pleased that ZAPP’s neither uses any really strange ingredients nor MSG! Plus, their phone number is 1-800-HOT-CHIP!!!

Survey says: BUY THESE CHIPS!