DORITO CORN BREAD

I think I created a new style of cooking I like to call “Food, The Sequel” or more simply as “Recycling Food”. Let me explain what it is by telling you a true story. This story is dramatized for dramatic effect.

A while ago, I walked to the corner store to buy a big bag of nacho cheese Doritos. I wound up buying TWO bags, because my eyes are bigger than my stomach. Like BIG bags. I was all by myself too, so this was all for me. I come home and I eat one whole bag in one sitting. That’s about 900 Doritos chips. Now I’m sick of Doritos for a little while. The following day, the other bag I got and didn’t eat is staring at me. EAT ME it says. I think to myself, “I cannot eat another Dorito, but I cannot stand to look at this bag while it’s staring at me.”

Now my mind is reeling, “I can just make you into something else….” again, thinking to myself, and “you” being the Dorito bag. I reached an epiphany to turn the Doritos into Dorito cornbread, where instead of using cornmeal, I used crushed up Doritos.

The Dorito bag is quivering now because it’s scared, and rightly so. I opened up the bag, dumped its entire contents into a large bowl, and proceeded to crunch the chips into the finest possible cornmeal with my bare fists. In my clenched hands they all crumbled, and their cries sounded like dry autumn leaves under your feet. It was still pretty chippy, but I did my best. I carefully licked my hands clean afterward, because I realized I had an entire Dorito bag’s worth of cheese powder crusted on. This was satisfying.

I adapted a tried and true skillet cornbread recipe and replaced most of the cornmeal for A LOT of Doritos. The results were a deliciously recontextualized bag of Doritos. Imagine eating a Dorito, and never crunching, because the texture is just soft bread. Weird, right?

So the term, “Food, The Sequel”, applies to any scenario where the food you eat comes back, bigger and better than ever!

DORITO CORNBREAD
-1 big $3 sized bag of Doritos (any flavor you desire) (crushed as finely as possible)
-1/3 cup cornmeal
-1 8oz can creamed corn
-1 egg
-1/4 cup veg oil
-2 TB butter

Preheat oven to 400 F. Mixed the crushed up Doritos, cornmeal, egg, creamed corn, and oil together in a big bowl. The batter might seem a little runny. Let that sit for about 10 minutes so some of the liquid pre-soaks into the chips.

Melt the butter in a cast iron skillet on medium high until the butter smells a little toasty and awesome. Dump the batter into the skillet and fry until the edges look a little brown. Finish it off in the oven for about 10 minutes. Eat it while it’s hot!

Whoops, it’s VEGAN! oh wait…nevermind.

Lately, I’ve been indulging in a particular vegan dish that is so satisfying to eat I had to share it. There is nothing weird about it, except that it’s vegan. I didn’t even intend it to be vegan, it just happens to be. Here it goes:

1. Heat up mixture of seseme oil, chili oil, and regular oil and fry some chopped up ginger. You can peel your ginger ahead of time if you want, but I never do, because it seems like too much work. The heat is medium high.

2. Add the cubed tofu. I use a full brick of “extra firm.” Let the edges of the tofu get a little brown.

3. I had some old radishes in the fridge so I added that too! My tofu is getting a little tore up here, I don’t give a fuck.

4. Here’s the sauce for this stir fry. It’s just miso paste and water. That’s it. Stir it around so that the paste is smooth and runny. It looks like I used about a 1/4 cup of miso paste here and an arbitrary amount of water.

5. Add that to the sauce to the pan. That shit is gonna bubble and sizzle!

6. Add the sugar snap peas! Add these later than sooner! I like when they JUST turn bright green and are still crispy.

7. Those little black pubes are HIJIKI seaweeds. It adds more body to the flavor.

8. I served this over a bed of freshly steamed premium short-grain japanese white rice. And then I put a hard boiled egg on top, but I suppose that can be optional.

I do not even think about meat when I eat this.

DISHWASHER CUISINE


One night, Emily Weidemann had the bright idea to cook dinner in the dishwasher. She supplied the fresh fish and leftovers, and I brought over some perogies and artichokes.

The dishwasher only got about as hot as around 225 degrees or so in the dry cycle, so things that need reheated, or don’t need much to cook did well (fish, reheated pasta, perogies). The artichokes totally failed. I tried putting the artichokes through a few more cycles in the dishwasher, but after about 3 cycles, I realized it was pretty silly and futile, and gave up on the artichokes. We ate everything else, and it was totally fine!

Goat Cheese Spaghetti

Just do it. That 5 dollar dick-sized log of goat cheese at the pretentious little 24 hour all-natural organic deli is staring at you dead in the eye to just buy it, take it home, and nurse it for the next week or two, or in my case a month. What do you do with all that goat cheese?

Well, think about the last time you came home from a late night bender, and you still have a little too much energy to just go right to bed, and you are STARVING! Spaghetti is the perfect thing to whip up, and I’m not talking about anything from scratch. The only thing you should turn on your stove for is a saucepan of half filled-water. Just enough water to cover the noodles after you break your spaghetti noodles in half, but not so much water that you’ll be passed out on the floor before the damn thing comes to a boil.

The girth of the bundle of dried spaghetti noodles for a single serving is debatable, depending on your appetite, but I normally go for about 3 pencils width.

And the sauce should just come straight from the jar. I like a more sugary brand of sauce (“corn syrup” should be listed in the first 5 ingredients of the label). Prego, Francisco Rinaldi, etc…

The amount of goat cheese you should use is also somewhat arbitrary. 3 tablespoons?

Anyway, drain your cooked pasta in a colander, and then throw it right back in the pot while the noodles are still steaming hot. Pour in some sauce, and plop some goat cheese right on top, and then stir the whole thing vigorously!

This is like an elegantly acidic mac-n-cheese. It’s on a vodka sauce tip, but the goat cheese flavor combined with the jar sauce is next level.

Eat right out the pot if you don’t want to wash an extra dish later. Total amount of dishes dirty for this recipe: 2. The colander which is easy to wash, and the pot. Oh yeah, and I suppose the utensil you’re using to stir and eat with, so 3.

After eating this, you’ll be in a food-induced coma, AND eating all those carbs will sham-wow that hangover away! This dish can also be appreciated when perfectly sober for breakfast.

Viet-Mex Quizine

Doesn't look like much here, but this is the marriage of 2 countries, lol.

A little bit ago, Jed and I experimented with a little “Fusion” cooking to prepare ourselves quite a light and summery little meal in the heart of winter.

We were making dinner one night at my place, and we had all sorts of nonsense ingredients all piled up. We were scratching our heads, looking up at the ceiling, with our mouths open and no idea what to do! Hmmm…derrr…. Just kidding! We have creative minds, and had a lot of ideas, but we had to decide!

Jed brought over a some plantains, an avocado, limes, and a ripe papaya.

I had the usual staples, and we used from that garlic, onions, fish sauce, fresh jalapenos, and frozen shrimp.

First Jed made some TOSTONES (twice fried plantains). I don’t remember what all goes into it but it was pretty simple.

  1. He peeled and sliced the plantains, about 1/2 inch thick or so
  2. Then he fried them in a skillet with a generous amount of oil in it till they got soft
  3. He smashed them flat with a flat object, sometimes his bare hands
  4. Then he refried it to a crisp
  5. And twinkled it with a some sea salt

I made some guacamole to dip them in, and here’s my guac recipe, it’s the shit.

  • 1 avocado
  • 1 garlic clove, pressed, or finely chopped
  • 1 jalapeno, minced (leave the seeds if you’re not a wimp)
  • the juice from 1/2 lime
  • THAT’S IT

Combine and smash it all up with a fork.

The last dish was the ripe papaya and shrimp salad. I guess this was the only real Viet-Mex fusion dish on our dinner menu. Typically a Vietnamese papaya salad is made with a young, green papaya, because of it’s crunchier texture and because of it’s very mild flavor. A ripe papaya is definitely the opposite of that: soft, juicy, and very pungently sweet. I started to shred it on a mandolin, but it was just pure carnage, so I opted to finely julienne it by hand with a knife. This salad with it’s juicy sweetness, complimented the other things we prepared with it QUITE WELL!

Here are the limited ingredients I used for the salad:

  • 1 ripe papaya, julienne cut
  • about 1/2 lb shrimp, poached and halved length-wise
  • 1 jalapeno (I de-seeded them here, because these peppers were HOT AS FUCK, I found out the hard way)
  • 1/2 red onion, paper thin slices
  • the juice from the other 1/2 of that lime
  • a couple squirts of fish sauce to taste (adding more means it’ll be saltier)

Toss everything up! Be warned, this is a very WET salad, but it was MUY DELICIOSO.

So that was our little Viet-Mex fusion dinner. It made me see a lot of similarities in flavors and textures in both cuisines. Both use light, fresh, crisp ingredients, and favor acidic and spicy flavors. Looking forward to having a side of nachos with my next bowl of pho!