MEATOPIA 666

There once was a thing called “Meatopia”  (If I was a radio DJ I would be punctuating with air horn blasts the spaces between paragraphs, so imagine one sounding off now if you will.)

Don’t believe the hype. DON”T BELIEVE THE HYPE. I’m speaking for the little guy here. If you read a good thing about this farcical festival of food, you read an untruth.

Mista Bee buzzin with a review of the first annual “Meatopia” a so called food festival.

You’ve never seen a bee, a little flying bee, wait in a line of people to get some food before have ya?  But wait I did in several lines, waiting for a meaty morsel patiently, waiting waiting, and then as each food vendor ran out of food, you read that right, (food vendors out of food?) I was told along with all the people in line waiting “sorry we’re out of food.”

As each of the 30 “Meatopia” food vendors ran out, so on it went each line getting longer, and before a taste of food the vendor would inform the line “sorry all out.”

For two and a half hours I waited and was not fed a scrap. The bullshit of it all was the food was pre-paid for, I’d paid 45$ for 6 tastes. I thought innocently “Meatopia…six tastes…hamburger…hotdog..ribs…pulled pork…lamb…maybe some meat i’d never tried like rabbit?Yumms!  I’d bought a ticket online and I showed up hungry and with 3-4 hours left of this so called Meatopia. I expected to eat, heck I’d spent 45$, anybody living in Cleveland can feed their two kids for a week on that much cash. TRUE.

I’d say there was a hell and I was in it if I wasn’t a bumble bee.

Sad and Hungry, if it was Meatopia I’d witnessed the fall of it.

Final notes, I’d like to say damn Meatopia’s creators, kiss my bee hind now and in the next years to come jerks, and I’d also like to thank  Meatopia for ruining my afternoon. lucky I don’t sting ya.

Q-Bees.. WTF!?

So, this afternoon after a thrilling Fish and Chips Lunch, complete with Bloody Marys at Duke of Perth , Shawn not so subtly hinted that he wanted a sweet cold treat to round out his fried food fullness. So I hopped out of the car and headed to the store with the intention of picking up some frozen snickers bars. Alas there were none. HOWEVER,  lo and behold I found there in the freezer, Q-bees (pronounced cube-eez)!

Which are Rice Krispie (style) Treats filled with ice cream, and available  in three flavors each with their own name and anthropomorphic idiosyncrasies. Dave, the chocolate tree hugger and outdoors man, Esquivel the vanilla extreme sports enthusiast, and Suzy Cube, the ubiquitous strawberry girl flavor. After searching around, and coming up with little to nothing about them on the internet, I did find out that this company  is trying new marketing stuff this year, and has since developed new looks for each of the different flavors, hats, lady faces, up dos, and each of them also have twitter pages where you can read along as they bicker Twitter style. SO BIZARRE. Nothing makes me want to eat a vanilla treat  like reading a transcript of  it making fun of the strawberry treat’s obsession with wearing pink outfits while the chocolate flavor insists every one “chillax.”  Anyway, I picked up a pack of the vanilla, as these were this was the only flavor available at the Dominick’s near me.

Here, Shawn considers the cube and then devours it.

So the long and short is, this is a nice little cube of ice cream with a crispy sweet out side, but it really didn’t hold up to the excitement my brain and stomach created while the helped me imagineer a Rice Crispy Treat pregnant with vanilla ice cream. It was weird. Now I almost forgot to mention that this treat is all natural. The whole thing is kosher, vegetarian, and the cream is from cows that are growth hormone free. Which could go either way really, they could be the less than delicious, and sort of “fat free” or “diet” tasting, or they could be extra good rich “handmade” tasting. Sadly after much debate, we decided that there was something sorta Boca about the taste, being totally slammable, but not as good as the bad for you real deal.

And there you have it kids, tasty, good for you, almost entirely guilt free, but not as interesting as advertised.

Dumpster-diving cat turds

This is a little love note to all the dumpster diving, freegan, gray water using kids out there, doing their stinky shameless best to use up all of the crap businesses throw out everyday. This takes a special sort of diligence and commitment to ideals to proudly and prosperously live off of other peoples less than perfect garbage.  And it takes balls to have a bake sale, and make all of the pastries out of dumpster dived food..

but it takes extra big balls to make dumpster dived pastries in the shape of cat shit, and laugh and take peoples money in exchange for them.

The recipe for these is just a chocolate no bake cookie, rolled into a log shape, and then rolled in granulated sugar. Besides being delicious , these prove that basically anything can be a turd if  it’s brown and you roll it into a log shape. These were a lovely treat after a night of videos and beer, and all of the proceeds went to Odd Obsessions Video, which is an independently owned video store that operates like a co-op, being run almost entirely by volunteers, and specializing in weird, out of print , and cult favorites. Check them out today!

I AM SO OLD!

Tonight I had a really bad night.  I found out that my bike is irreparable unless really good looking parts are replaced.  FART!  This can’t be happening.  So to comfort myself I bought some gummi worms.  They cheer me up!  But the gummi worms I purchased… may god have mercy on their tiny souls for the poor flavorings they offered me.  TOO SHORT! TOO BLAND!  I swear to Christ on his gosh darn cross one of them was cinnamon flavored.  UNHEARD OF!!!  This is horrible.  Why am I telling all about this?  To spread my misery?  NO!  and yes.  I once thought there was no such thing as a bad gummi.  I thought there was only good, better, and best gummis.  Long, tender, sweet.  Beware it is not so!  OH GOD!  You think you can trust a thingy and a thingy lets you down.  People can break my heart all day long but a bad gummi?  FOR CRYING IN A BUCKET!

So you know what else?  I wanted to instead get for myself a consistant and reliable snack condiment: coleman’s mustard, the best mustard.  The store was closed!  WHY ME!  You know what else is bad?  TEENAGERS.  They’re too young.  Why do they dress like that?  Do they know they look SO STUPID?

Economy Candy

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Hello!

Lately I have been working on a tv show where I help to find props and various set dress. An upcoming scene in the show calls for some fake candy, so I was dispatched to a very special place on the isle of Manhattan called Economy Candy to source out some ideas. I had heard people say around the office that this place was “crazy” and “oh you have to see it”, so when I was tapped to go, I had some expectations. Let’s say, they were met.

If you love candy, then this is your candy mecca. A place to go and see what man has accomplished both past and present in the world of confectionery delights.

One image can’t really convey the total experience, so here are some images to give you a sense of what they have going on there:IMG_2129

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Awesome candy cigarette packages! People who have come over to my house lately have been all “what the fuck are these cigarettes you are smoking Peter?”

And lastly, giant Pez dispensers:IMG_2138

One thing I noticed right away was the amount of old fashioned and obscure candy they had in stock at this place. Me being me, I decided I had to try some of the more interesting products. I picked up a few choice selections and brought them home. When Lisa and Lauren were over, we decided to try them and see if there was a reason these particular candies were so obscure. It turns out because a few of them are truly awful!

Abba Zaba bar

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The Abba Zaba bar as it appears in a delightful moment in the movie Half Baked.

The Abba Zaba bar might be Dave Chappelle’s favorite, but this thing is fucked. It’s a bar of white flavorless taffy, that is hard on yer teeth. That’s bad enough. But what lays inside the taffy you ask? PEANUT BUTTER! Folks, I said PEANUT BUTTER! The combination might not be unheard of, but the Abba Zaba sort of fails at it. : (

Next!

The Sky Bar and Joys:IMG_2145

Out of the two the Sky Bar was the best. It is four separate cubes of chocolate with four different centers, Caramel, Fudge, Peanut Butter, and “Vanilla”. The Sky Bar was enjoyed by all who tried it. The vanilla was just like the inside of a Cadbury egg. Good job Sky Bar!

The Joys bar was another story. Some might like thick, cough syrup flavored, jellied candy with chocolate, but I bet even those “some” aren’t gonna like this one. Kind of…sick. It reminded me of some “lavender” candy I once mistakenly ate. Maybe they like this kind of thing in the middle east or something but I say “Stick to the sesame products Joyva brand!”

Next were the Satellite Wafers:

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These were apparently popular in the 1950s here in the US. They are flying saucer like discs made of rice with candy beads inside. The proper way to eat them is to simply stick the thing in your mouth. This, however, is where it gets kind of crazy. First you think “Did I just take communion?” The ricey pod starts to disintegrate in your mouth and suddenly the little beads begin to take on more of a roll. Then as you are chewing, the flavor finally kicks in and you are crunching and chewing on a mash that tastes exactly as if you had just eaten a spoonful of Fruity Pebbles. Satellite Wafers…you are strange but tasty!

Last was the Cherry Mash: IMG_2143

This turned out to be the best tasting of all. Made by the Chase Candy Co. of St. Joseph MO. this seems to be an enduring classic amongst people of the middle west. Specifically the family of Claire Beaufort.

Cherry Mash is chocolate and peanuts covering a delicious chewy cherry flavored center with real cherries and everything. It’s something you can eat alone, or as they suggest on the package, add to vanilla ice cream and milk and make yourself a delicious cherry cordial milk shake! Just go to Economy Candy, or have Claire’s father send you a box of them – and try it yourself!

Fun Fact: The word “candy” comes from Arabic qandi, derived from Persian qand, meaning “sugar.”

Oreo Stix are wildly weird.

So a few months ago my roommate Emily came home with these weird things called OREO STIX. Perhaps you have seen the commercial:

Anyways these things are weird. They do stay crunchy but I would imagine it’s because they are really made of cardboard or something. The best part of the oreo cookie/milk union is the fact that your oreo gets mushy and dissolves into your milk, making it into a blizzard of sorts.

I am giving these things a thumbs down. Regular oreos can keep a thumbs up.

Oreo blizzards are always welcome, especially if they are mint:

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or this guy:

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