Dynasty Cafeteria

What did we do last week? Not much, we just built a restaurant. You know, then we drank some beer and thought a little harder about what would be cool to eat while we were drinking it. Typically, salty stuff, carby stuff, baked stuff, cheap stuff, deep fried stuff, fresh fruit. You know what sucks? Paying a lot of money for food that tastes like crap. You know what rules? Getting really good food that tastes like nothing you’ve ever had for not that much money.

We just opened up a micro-restaurant inside 285 Kent Ave, home of a new music venue, art space, Babycastles arcade, and also, it’s in the old “Paris London West Nile” space. We pretty much serve the best snacks. It’s dirt cheap, why even bother eating at home, you can eat here everyday, and probably save money, you know what I mean?

Here’s a taste of what our menu looks like:

Grape Kool-Aid Fritters $3

Waffle Grilled Cheese $3

Pizza Waffle Sandwich $4 or $5 w/pepperoni

Black Bean and Queso Muffins $2

BBQ Tofu Summer Rolls $2 or 3/$5

Spicy Boiled Peanuts $3

Lime Coconut Bars $2

Fat Watermelon Slice $1

Fruit Flavored Ice Pops 2/$1

We add new stuff almost everyday, so no one gets bored.

AND we open DAILY 8PM-1AM!!!!!! Who knows how long we can keep this up for!

DORITO CORN BREAD

I think I created a new style of cooking I like to call “Food, The Sequel” or more simply as “Recycling Food”. Let me explain what it is by telling you a true story. This story is dramatized for dramatic effect.

A while ago, I walked to the corner store to buy a big bag of nacho cheese Doritos. I wound up buying TWO bags, because my eyes are bigger than my stomach. Like BIG bags. I was all by myself too, so this was all for me. I come home and I eat one whole bag in one sitting. That’s about 900 Doritos chips. Now I’m sick of Doritos for a little while. The following day, the other bag I got and didn’t eat is staring at me. EAT ME it says. I think to myself, “I cannot eat another Dorito, but I cannot stand to look at this bag while it’s staring at me.”

Now my mind is reeling, “I can just make you into something else….” again, thinking to myself, and “you” being the Dorito bag. I reached an epiphany to turn the Doritos into Dorito cornbread, where instead of using cornmeal, I used crushed up Doritos.

The Dorito bag is quivering now because it’s scared, and rightly so. I opened up the bag, dumped its entire contents into a large bowl, and proceeded to crunch the chips into the finest possible cornmeal with my bare fists. In my clenched hands they all crumbled, and their cries sounded like dry autumn leaves under your feet. It was still pretty chippy, but I did my best. I carefully licked my hands clean afterward, because I realized I had an entire Dorito bag’s worth of cheese powder crusted on. This was satisfying.

I adapted a tried and true skillet cornbread recipe and replaced most of the cornmeal for A LOT of Doritos. The results were a deliciously recontextualized bag of Doritos. Imagine eating a Dorito, and never crunching, because the texture is just soft bread. Weird, right?

So the term, “Food, The Sequel”, applies to any scenario where the food you eat comes back, bigger and better than ever!

DORITO CORNBREAD
-1 big $3 sized bag of Doritos (any flavor you desire) (crushed as finely as possible)
-1/3 cup cornmeal
-1 8oz can creamed corn
-1 egg
-1/4 cup veg oil
-2 TB butter

Preheat oven to 400 F. Mixed the crushed up Doritos, cornmeal, egg, creamed corn, and oil together in a big bowl. The batter might seem a little runny. Let that sit for about 10 minutes so some of the liquid pre-soaks into the chips.

Melt the butter in a cast iron skillet on medium high until the butter smells a little toasty and awesome. Dump the batter into the skillet and fry until the edges look a little brown. Finish it off in the oven for about 10 minutes. Eat it while it’s hot!

Whoops, it’s VEGAN! oh wait…nevermind.

Lately, I’ve been indulging in a particular vegan dish that is so satisfying to eat I had to share it. There is nothing weird about it, except that it’s vegan. I didn’t even intend it to be vegan, it just happens to be. Here it goes:

1. Heat up mixture of seseme oil, chili oil, and regular oil and fry some chopped up ginger. You can peel your ginger ahead of time if you want, but I never do, because it seems like too much work. The heat is medium high.

2. Add the cubed tofu. I use a full brick of “extra firm.” Let the edges of the tofu get a little brown.

3. I had some old radishes in the fridge so I added that too! My tofu is getting a little tore up here, I don’t give a fuck.

4. Here’s the sauce for this stir fry. It’s just miso paste and water. That’s it. Stir it around so that the paste is smooth and runny. It looks like I used about a 1/4 cup of miso paste here and an arbitrary amount of water.

5. Add that to the sauce to the pan. That shit is gonna bubble and sizzle!

6. Add the sugar snap peas! Add these later than sooner! I like when they JUST turn bright green and are still crispy.

7. Those little black pubes are HIJIKI seaweeds. It adds more body to the flavor.

8. I served this over a bed of freshly steamed premium short-grain japanese white rice. And then I put a hard boiled egg on top, but I suppose that can be optional.

I do not even think about meat when I eat this.

RICE KRISPIE PORTRAIT BUST

Yesterday was our dear friend’s Shawn Lovejoy’s birthday! Lauren Gregory and I were hanging out together that day anyway (she was painting my portrait!), so we wanted to do something special for our special friend. We decided to make him an edible platform for which he can blow out all his 69 candles.

I know that Shawn doesn’t particularly enjoy eating sweet things, but we wanted to make something for Shawn that highlighted one of his greatest assets: his handsomeness.

Rice Krispie treats seemed like a good way to go, because even the most savory tongue cannot resist this texture-overloaded marshmallow snack. Plus, in a bar setting, this sort of dessert is conducive to catering to a tipsy crowd, with no patience for plates and forks, and can act as a willing carb sponge for the liquid spirits swimming in our stomachs.

Rice Krispie treats proved to be a great sculpting material! When the marshmallow and cereal mixture is JUUUSST mixed together and the marshmallow glue is still warm, THIS is when it is the MOST MALLEABLE! Lauren was all over this. She grabbed the stick of butter like it was some chapstick, and smeared it all over her hands. This creates a resist, so that the goopy marshmallow rice cereal mix doesn’t stick to your hands as you’re sculpting it. I did the same, and we smooshed it around for a while until it looked like a handsome guy. The handsome guy shape we made kept slumping to look like a handsome FAT guy.

We used marshmallow/chocolate cereal mix for the hair. Also, confession, we did not use anything brand name. Real brand name Rice Krispies at the store was like $8.00?!?!? We found a great generic equivalent for $1.99. Also, we used generic marshmallows as well. We found some great strawberry-flavored marshmallows shaped like hearts for $0.99/bag! Mixed with the beige rice cereal, the pink strawberry marshmallows made quite a nice realistic flesh tone!

The eye cavity area was a little tricky to sculpt. He was not quite “handsome.” Finally we put some real fashion sunglasses on him, and he looked like the baddest motherfucker.

We brought it to the party and everyone ate it and looked happy.