This is real

Yesterday, I went to the Rite Aid to because I needed deodorant, but large colorful displays of candy bargains were extremely distracting! All the heart shape boxes of Valentine’s candy was at 50-75 percent off! I looked through the displays and was thoroughly bored at the selection — russell stover’s chocolates, whitman’s samplers, spongebob marshmallow suckers, etc… crumbs and flakes of chocolate and dirt lined the tray all the candy sat in.

My appetite now whet for candy, I wandered into the Easter candy aisle!! How new and exciting! I know this must be some sort of drug store trick where they display the cheap and old shitty candy on sale at the front of the store, and then the awesome new candy in the aisle right behind it, but I don’t care, it totally works, and I was fiending for a sugar fix, and I didn’t care why.

Easter candy is my favorite holiday candy–hollow chocolate crucifixes and white chocolate lambs aside, I mean, just walk down any Easter candy aisle and take it all in, how do you feel? I pretty much base my entire artistic color pallette on it. Oh yeah and all the egg shaped things, marshmallow things, jelly beanzz, beautiful plastic gift basket arrangements wrapped in celophane and ribbons. This holiday is about a dude who raises from the dead, the only other time this happens is with zombies; it is so dark and heavy — but look at its candy! It rulez!

Okay, after drooling down this seasonal aisle I stumbled upon this:


My reaction was “what.” This is edible Easter grass. It’s slogan which you can’t see on the bottom says “It’s Grass-tastic!” This looked very exciting to me, it had a real “big league chew” vibe to it. The bag, however, felt like it was filled with dry shredded paper. I didn’t care, it was a dollar.

Once I got home, I immediately opened it and ate some, and I was totally horrified and disappointed. It tasted like a shitty cross between communion wafers and strawberry Frankenberry cereal. It tasted bland. Very bland. Like paper. And totally fucked. Then I finally read the back of the bag:


Aspartame! Grosss! And look!! There is NO real sugar in this AT ALL!!!! This is like DIET Easter Grass!! It made me think, is there no rule in Germany about labeling things “DIET” if there is no real sugar in it?

Oh well, at least I also got these Whoppers mini Robin’s Eggs as well which satiated my candy fix. It also allowed me to create this very appropriate tableau!


Ha!!! Love, Thu



  1. in germany, and i think most of europe, all things that we call “diet” are called “light”, most likely because they dont get “diet”.
    you should probably pick up a pack of big league chew to erase this from your memory.

  2. i’m really glad i wasn’t the only one who saw this at rite aid and though, “OMG, i need to buy this and try it!” i also felt better when i read that you thought it tasted like communion wafers. i mentioned this fact to my catholic friends and they were none too pleased with my comment. 😦

    yeaaaaah…. never again.

  3. Ahhh! One of my favorite Easter candies is those Whoppers colorful malted milk “eggs”. Love those! SO much better than those friggin’ “peeps”. Yuck. Never tried the Easter grass. Well … not THAT grass.

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