A few weeks after my birthday, a couple of my friends came into town, Scotty and Derrick (AKA Mullet Chad, AKA Mungee, AKA Derrick witch, AKA Nu Metal Craig). They are in a really great metal band called SKELETONWITCH; Derrick plays drums, and Scotty plays guitar. They also brought their friend Andrew with them, who owns a super awesome record store in Athens Ohio called, Haffas. Of course they didn’t come all the way to Chicago just to see me; they had a busy schedule of friends and events lined up around the block. The first big ticket item on their list was seeing CRADLE OF FILTH on Friday night. The next morning I had an unexpected (but not unwanted) day off, so I caught up with them at Scotty’s sister Stacy and our pal Moustache Derrick’s place around 11. I was just in time to see them shake off their hangovers and hitch a ride with them to Kuma’s Corner. As with many of Chicago’s institutions I had NEVER heard of it. It’s a pretty unassuming place at first glance; some wood paneling and some tee shirts, some ink drawings of leather-clad-blood-soaked-biker-chicks, the menu written on a chalk board above the grill. One look at the menu though and the truth is revealed. Kuma’s has all kinds of standard bar stuff: sandwiches and fries, some ribs an obligatory salad, etc. BUT the real excitement is their Metal themed burgers. There’s the MOTORHEAD, THE LAIR OF THE MINOTAUR, the CLUTCH (which has almost nothing but cheese on it) and the JUDAS PREIST (which has walnuts, blue cheese, cranberries etc… and is the GAYEST item on the menu while still being a burger).They even had a monthly special called the “Bleepin’ Blago-wich” which is: a burger topped with American cheese, yellow mustard, fried baloney and served on two grilled cheese sandwiches made with wonder bread (the price was negotiable).
I opted for the SLAYER, which is: a ½ pound burger served on a bed of fries, topped with chili, andouille sausage, jalapenos, cherry peppers, mozzarella cheese, and anger.
Did I finish it? Yes. Did I eat anything else that day? Yes. A pile of collard greens…five hours later.
All in all, the burger was good, and true to the name a real slayer. They also have some great local brews on tap, the one thing they don’t have is a SKELETON–WICH. To that end I have included what I think should, if not be immediately added to the menu, be run as a special the next time they play in Chi-town… the list of ingredients; ½ pound burger, white American cheese, whole wheat bun, jalapenos, weed, yellow rice doused with sriracha, the ketchup-ed blood of a virgin, and the souls of all those who don’t WORSHIP THE WITCH, and served with a Shirley Temple…because these boyz are classy.