IAN CHARNAS’ SECRET APPLE EXCURSION

Most of you know Ian Charnas, a man of many splendored things. He’s a bit like Max Fischer from Rushmore, in that he is always doing amazing, spectacular things, and its sometimes hard to believe that anyone is doing these things, let alone one guy from Cleveland. So, one of Ian’s latest adventures, after the huge Field Trip Event at the Natural History Museum, but before the (failed) boomerang lessons, was a trip to a secret apple orchard.

This is the story as I know it: Dave and I are in Ian’s room at the Thank You Dinner for all Field Trip participants. Ian is getting down some vital information from us to put inside of another spectacular invention that will amplify our dreams, using crystals and other awesome technologies. Ian’s like “what are you 2 doing on monday??” and Dave and I are like “working. why?” Apparently Mr. Charnas found the Garden of Eden, right here in America! Somewhere, he didn’t know where, (it turns out its New York somewhere) Ian found the location of this secret apple orchard that has apple trees growing from all over the world in it. It’s not public, you certainly can’t go there, UNLESS….you say you’re from the Natural History Museum and you want to take some “research students” to “study and visit the orchard” aka “friends to dance and frolick”. So this is what Ian does and IT WORKS! The guy is letting him bring some “research assistants” to “study”.

Dave and I can’t believe we’re missing this. However, Ian was fortunate enough to bring me the following specimens. I have made a handy dandy chart. Following the chart is my taste test of each apple. ENJOY! Because you’ll probably never meet these apples and I most likely never will again either.

  • Let’s start with Italy. I don’t know if the shelf life was not too long, but this yellowish variety was sweet but mushy. Similar to a Gala apple almost.
  • The small dudes from CUTESVILLE I think he said were American. They are DELICIOUS! They are sweet and tangy, not bitter like a crab apple. They reminded me of miniature macintosh apples, one of my favorite kinds.
  • The tiny guy in the middle was the only one of its kind I received. It tasted kind of like a Pink Lady, though not as sweet. A lovely apple, and cute. Obviously.
  • Kazakhstan delivered me the best apple, by far. These little gems are SWEET and CRISP and they taste like candy. SO SO SO GOOD!
  • The green knobbly dude was a bit tart, like a granny apple. But sweet like a Pink lady too. Not too mushy, not too crisp. Nice. Real nice.
  • I have yet to try Deutschland or Red Delicious looking dude.

In conclusion, Kazakhstan wins. Italy loses.

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1 Comment

  1. True to form, Ian did indeed bring us apples from the garden of eden, and they were the best apples ever. Thanks Dude.

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